Sabbatical

So, I think I've been on Sabbatical from blogging. I often think of posts to write I just never make it on to the computer to write and publish a post. Yet it nags at the back of my mind to stop making excuses. (the excuses I make for not blogging are the same I make for not writing in a journal. I'm not a great personal history keeper.)

I was looking through my photos on my phone and saw so many pictures of events that I could have blogged about. So I thought "maybe they have a blogger app. I would totally post more often if I had that." So, that is why you find me here today, because I'm writing this on my phone. (thank heaven for iPhones.) This leads me to an obvious yet necessary confession: I'm addicted to my phone.

There, I said it. Now that that's over I will tell a little story. (I'm not going to do any back blogging and try to fill in the last 7 months of my life. Suffice it to say, I've been busy with school.) So, tonight I am going to a Pi(e) party and I have made a pie. A peanutty ice cream pie. Mmmm, the filling tastes kind of like peanut butter m&ms. I'm excited about it. I'll let you know how it tastes.

In other news: Spring is here! You know how I know? My garden is starting to bloom. Last fall I tackled the flower bed outside of my condo and trimmed, fought with MANY snails
, and planted some bulbs for to bloom this Spring. The crocuses have started to bloom already and the tulips are just popping out of the dirt. :) this brings me joy.


Over Grown, yet still beautiful, Garden last October.

Trimmed back garden. (It took me about 5-7 hours total to do all this. Those were really tall flowers, some almost 6 feet tall. Hollyhocks if I remember right)

My crocuses beginning to bud!!



There will be tulips here soon! :)

Moving!!!

I am moving. THIS week!! I am so beyond excited. This is a little condo that I will be sharing with two roommates. We will each have our own room. It is in north Orem and I can walk to the bus stop or Subway or the grocery store. I will also have laundry in the apartment! It's 5 minutes closer to school than before. But I may start riding the 862 bus again to get to school. I believe in going green. I even have reusable grocery bags (that I usually remember to bring to the store.) Did I mention I'll have my own room? ahh, bliss. Here are some pictures that came from the landlord (who, by the way, is SUPER nice and friendly. They have like 6 kids, who are cute, and are really kind.) when they posted the add for the place. Next week I'll have to post more, with my things in the place. It will be a while, getting some furniture and such, but I'm ok to wait. I've waited a long time to get out of student housing and can wait to make it nice little by little. Enjoy!

The bathroom!


My bedroom!!! All to myself.

The living room. (Furniture not included.)
(Child not included.)
And the pretty kitchen!

I love my coworkers!!!!

I work at UVU Library and I have the most wonderfully refreshing job! My coworkers are just wow! Especially Trevor Jay Morris! His mom is right when she says he is wonderful. I think I will buy everyone in the library dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets! and chicken balls from Iggy's. hmmmmm yum yum.

crasy recital preparations

I am feeling a little frazzled these days. This is not especially abnormal for me. But it is for the summer time. sheesh!

I have a sinus infection. Perfect timing right? a week before my dress rehearsal, meaning 3 weeks before my recital!!! So annoying. This is the 5th time I've been on antibiotics since February!!!! I'm starting to worry. Oh, well, I'll worry about that in due time. I am just trying to get all my songs memorized and ready for next Thursday, when I will sing in front of my teachers and they will tell me If they think I will be ready for my recital two weeks following. I have a lot to do in the next 6 days, and I feel...not so great.

Things are good though. I need to post on some other things. I have some photos waiting. So, Maybe this Sunday I will find some time.

Come to my recital if you want!! I'd love to see you there!

childlike

Can I be a kid again?

Sometimes... I get sick of adult worries and woes. Well, a lot of the time. I'm sick of not having the money I had expected, and of barely making it to the next paycheck. And I mean BARELY. And I'm tired of being so busy. I'm tired of having to make adult choices.

I wish I could be a kid again. When I was a child I played house. That's all I ever did. It was either that or "teacher". I was taking care of and or teaching children in my play-time.

I have discovered about myself recently that much of my frustration lies in the fact that these childhood dreams are inaccessible to me. Have I already mentioned this recently? ah oh well.

So, I am trying to be happy. Trust in the Lord and his timing. And play.

I find joy in being with and talking to my friends. I love reading on my bed and then falling asleep for an afternoon nap. I love mischievously sneaking up on people and squirting my water pistol at them. bahaha! I love sitting in the sunshine. I love dreaming about a future where I can one day be a mom and play with my children. And read books to them. And sing to them. ( shhh. I know that being a mom isn't all happy every moment. I have friends with kids. I hear about it. but lets not crush my dreams at the moment.)

I don't play enough. I forget to be childlike and I forget to always include the Lord. So, here's to hoping I can be a little more childlike and faithfully trusting and not so jaded and frustrated with life. Good luck to me. And to you.

Obviously I had no cares as a child. May I allow my kids to have the same kind of childhood.

rainy car

So, I own a car. This is what my car looks like. (But without the palm trees, as I do not live in CA.) I actually paid it off last month. I received the title in the mail. It was a very adult moment for me. It made me happy.

I sometimes refer to this car as Betsy. Or Bessie. Depending on how the mood strikes me. I have a hippo on the front dash. It's a good conversational piece when I give rides to people I don't know very well.

As I have had this car for 2 years I have learned some things about owning a car (especially not a new one.).
1. You will get better gas mileage if you get an oil change regularly. Also, it's important to check your fluids regularly.
2. A/C is optional. And expensive to fix.
3. It's expensive to be responsible for a car.
4. How to change the blinker lights
5. It's probably wise if you check your tire pressure regularly.
6. Being a single gal, it's really helpful to have roadside assistance. I have used them many, many times.
7. When a car battery is defective, it doesn't like the cold and will refuse to start early in the cold mornings. Prayers needed in these cases.
8. If you leave the hood up of your engine, people, especially men, will ask if you need help. :)
9. If you have acid corrosion on your battery heads you can pour a baking soda and water mixture on them to wash it away.
10. If you clean the outside of your windows and still feel like they are dirty, try washing the inside. Those get dirty too.


My latest adventure with my car is that there is some kind of problem with the seal on the rear right side passenger's door (I once had a hypothesis that it was a rusty bottom of my car). No big deal. Until it starts to rain buckets, like it has the last couple weeks. A few days ago I got in my car and thought "It smells really wet, dirty, and gross in here." Solution: Roll down the windows. And just for good measure I looked in the back and saw a puddle (literally a small pool.) not just damp carpet on the backseat floor. I sighed and drove off to my destination.

Yesterday I came home from church and couldn't handle it anymore, and fearing mold, (As I knew the carpet had been wet for several days by now.) I grabbed the "car rags" I have in my trunk and started to soak up the water, ring it out, and then soak it up again. There was so much WATER!! I would say at least 3 cups, probably more. After I felt like I had gotten as much as I could, I rolled the windows down and (accidentally left the keys on the seat!!) left the mat and rags to dry, as it was a beautiful sunny afternoon.

At about 7:30, clouds were rolling in and I went out and rolled up the windows (found my keys!!! scolded myself for my forgetfulness and felt grateful to live in Provo.) and put the dry mat and rags back in the car. The floor was only slightly dry-er. But no puddle. I was satisfied.

Then it started to rain.

This morning, after said rain, I got in my car.
Puddle has returned. Rusty bottom of car hypothesis gone. Seal of door suspicions confirmed. NOW WHAT?!

Anyone know how to fix that? Before I have a new life form growing in the back of my car...

Anyway, I hope you are having a great day.

"Life can be delish with a sunny disposish"

let me esplain...

No there is too much. Let me sum-up

The last 16 months = the worst time of my life. no joke.

BUT, as I am getting out of this I am learning things.

I am optimistic. Because despite how hard last semester was, I got all A's and B's!! I am proud of myself. And I plan to continue this triumphant-ness for the rest of my college experience. 4 more semesters. Woot.

I had plans to move out of stadium terrace with my, current and awesome, roommate Jamie. That has fallen through and really seems to not have been the right thing. While I am disappointed in the non-move, I have been pleased with changes in the ward and am feeling more a part of the people there and am ok to stay for this summer. But, I'm still looking for a different place for the Fall. I need to have my own room!!!! I can't handle it anymore. And please not 6 roommates anymore!! eesh! I have had over 30 roommates in my life. That's a lot. All of whom I have loved. It was roommates who got me to first blog. :) (Thanks Rebecca. ) At least I know that I have a lot of people I could refer a future husband to if he wants to ask people what I am like to live with. baha... jk I won't be doing that.

Just in case you were wondering, I am not dating anyone. Though I do have hope. Which has been a struggle to hold on to in the last year. But it's getting stronger and more constant again. which is nice. I thank my Heavenly Father for that.

I am still working at the library. I love my job. Lots. It has been awesome.

LDC ended for me 10 days ago. This is bitter sweet. I will have to post more on that when I am not at work...shhh.

Meanwhile, I have a good semester coming up. I am going to work as a chaperone for my Aunt's prestigious Opera Workshop this summer. I'm excited!! especially for the money. That is honestly my main excitement at the moment. But it will be good to be around such talented young people for 3 weeks in July. Also, I am planning my Junior Recital for July 9th. Lots of hard work but it's going to be great. I will remind people as it gets closer. But it's got some great music (a harp will be accompanying me for some of it!).

Anyway, I should end this. I was just reading blogs this morning and felt a need to revive my blogging self again. Peace to you. Have a fabulous day. The weather is getting so nice!!!

teaching

I want to teach voice lessons.

Someday soon.

I have so much in me to give and I want an outlet.

Meanwhile, I struggle through French 1020, Aural SKills 2, Music History 2, Opera Work shop, Health, Chamber choir, Voice lessons, and LDC, this semester. NO WONDER I FEEL REALLY BUSY.

I am looking forward to going to

For Spring break with the Chamber Choir. YAY! practically free trip to San Francisco where I get to sing! I am excited. March 15-20 is when this happiness takes place.

I'd better get back to some homework.

Chosing happiness

The Lord is in my life. It is evidenced in so many things. I am on a path of acceptance, and I'm getting there. Little by little I come to accept His will for me more fully.

Though the path I am on right now causes me pain and loneliness at times I know that it is there for me to become the best me that I can be. It hurts, and I hate it sometimes. But I trust him.

I was having a talk with my roommates the other day, and one of them told us about this article in the February Ensign. This is what struck us all

"I have learned not to sacrifice hope in order to bury pain."

I am working on that. I do a pretty good job most of the time. But sometimes I need to be reminded. Last night my home-teacher said (with out me having said anything about being single) that we have the choice to be happy or sad and if we let our singleness depress us or if we continue to be happy through it all. I can choose. Though it's a hard choice sometimes, I continue to choose happiness.

I choose happiness

Craziness that I'm apparently grateful for.

Crazy days. That's sums up my life for the last 3 months. I have had a really good semester. Only 2 weeks left! yikes. The semester has been SOOOO busy. I have actually been amazed at my ability to roll with the punches and keep on top of all the things I am doing. This semester, for the most part, I have felt like I have finally come into my own. I was actually being the student I've always known I could be.

But I don't deal well with change. It takes me a while to readjust.

So when I started dating someone in the beginning of October, I dropped a ball or two that I was juggling. And I picked them back up again after a couple of weeks. But it's the end of the semester and I am so stressed out I have no motivation or excitement for anything. Which drives me nuts.

For the most part, I did a really good job juggling everything. But I found, that as project deadlines came knocking this month, I started to drop the balls again. And I am now realizing that my spirituality has suffered. I'm so distracted by all that I have to do, that I can't focus on things. The most frustrating of which is my scriptures and saying prayers. I feel like I'm in a funk. I'm not doing anything terrible. But I'm also not where I want to be. And it's OK, I'll get back out of it. Life is about figuring out these kinds of things, like learning to have your spirit overcome your body, even in new situations. While I am struggling to do all I committed to at the beginning of the semester, before I was dating someone, I know that I can do this. Even when I really don't feel like I can, like on days like today.

With a 10-page paper looming over my head, due in 2 days, that I haven't really even started, I want to just crawl in a magic hole and rewind time, so that I didn't have a cold the whole of Thanksgiving week (Which was great, by the way. I loved being with my happy little family.) and then I could have gotten myself to do more homework and less sleeping. But you know what? That's life. And I am choosing to be a creator of my circumstances. I don't have to be a victim to things that happen to me. I just have to keep reminding myself of that. And so, with that in mind, I guess I will end this long over-due post, and get on to the stinking paper about Bach and Handel that I have....get to write.

Life is good. I truly can't complain. I am so blessed I don't even see it all. And when I stop to think about it, my heart swells with gratitude for all the love that I've been given and shown and for the life that He has lead me to have. I know it will only get better with him steering me.

So, I'm off to research dead composers! Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

Joanna

Things I am doing

• LDC- Institute choir :4 hours a week of rehearsals and then personal practices and the performances are just about to start
• UVU Chamber Choir: 3 hrs/week and 2 concerts coming up
• Voice Lessons: 1 hr or more practicing a day + weekly master class and voice lesson
• Chamber Music class: 1credit, learn one song, perform 1 song in a concert in 2 weeks
• Astronomy 1040: 3cr class, I rarely go...But do ok on the tests.
• Biology 1010: 3cr, I have a great teacher.... Biology is just not my subject
• Music History part 1: 3cr This is the class with the huge paper, and one big fat final left
• French 1010: 4cr. I love this class. But I don't have enough time to really learn all the vocab.
• My job at the library:14 hrs a week.

Thats a total of

• 4 different things I memorize music for
• 3, 3 credit classes. 1, 4 cred class, and 3, 1 credit classes, and LDC, and an Institute class
• And my job
• And my calling. Which has a minimal time commitment, for which I am grateful for.

YEs. I am insane.

Some Summer adventures. a visual post

A picture says a thousand words.

Here are 13,ooo words of what I've been doing this summer.

enjoy

library-ness

I LOVE my job at the library. I am writing this post from the library.

You know you have a good job when you usually look forward to working and when, if you're having a bad day, you go in to work and always feel better by the end of your shift.

Here are some reasons why it's so great:

Great co-workers.
Interesting Patrons
Great hours.
Great co-workers
no-stress
conveniently close to school
Great co-workers and bosses.
AND my pay checks are tax-free during the school year, since I get paid from a grant. love it.

Sometimes, I don't even want to leave when my shift is over.

And today, I have 2 stories to share with you from yesterday's shift.

During the shift, my co-worker comes in the back (where I also happened to be.) to tell SupervisorCS what had just happened out front. You need to know, before I begin, that Mike Freeman is the Director of the Library, the big-wig, head honcho. I think the only person he reports to is President Holland (president of UVU). Anyway.
Co-worker begins. Gentleman A comes down and returns a text-book(2hour checkout only.)
2 minutes later friend of Gentleman A, Gentleman B(G.B.), comes down and asks if he can check out the same book. Yet, Gentleman B does not attend UVU, does not have a library card, is not allowed to check out said textbook.
So, c0-worker explains this to G.B. but G.B. wants to use his drivers license as collateral. No go. not allowed.
G.B says to co-worker, "Do you know Mike Freeman?"
Co-worker, "uh.. sort of. I know who he is. But, I don't really know him."
G.B "Well, Mike is my neighbor. You don't think he would mind if I checked this book out, do you? Why don't you call him and ask if it's ok."
ok, A, it's 8 o'clock at night. B, G.B wants us to call our boss' boss' boss, at home!
Co-worker says, "Well, if you want to call and ask, go right a head. otherwise, you can wait the 30 minutes and your friend can come and check it out again."
Haha, Name dropping at the library. Gotta love it.

Also, last night, I was on the closing shift. 6-midnight.
I'm in the back, laminating some books. And my supervisor comes and starts chatting with me. I'm not sure how, but we got on the topic of ghosts. And he proceeds to tell me this experience he had while he was on his mission, while serving as a Zone Leader in Tooele Utah. Basically there was a ghost in an Elders' apartment and my supervisor didn't believe them. When he went to check it out for himself he heard voices and saw the bathroom light rapidly flashing on and off and saw a door slam shut. Anyway, the next day he had that companionship moved out.

So, then we start talking about scary movies we've all seen. (By this time other co-workers had joined in.) And Supervisor decided to show us some videos on YouTube of real life ghost sitings. Now, this doesn't really bother me. I am more scared by the fake movies than the real thing. Just because the movies are incredibly exaggerated. Anyway, I get home after we close the library and I'm finally getting in bed at right around 1am. I had washed my face and everything, and I went in my room and left the light off and closed the blinds and found myself in serious darkness. So, I hop in bed and keep telling myself not to freak out. No worries. I feel good, my mind is just trying to play tricks on me. The closet door was open and I was nervous about things hiding inside. Finally, I was getting so sleepy and about to fall asleep, when I felt something on my cheek! I flinched in horror and brushed my hand over where I had felt something. And I find....my decorative pillow, the corner of which had grazed my cheek. I picked my pillow up and threw it in annoyance. And I feel asleep two seconds later. It's a good thing I was exhausted.

the end.

Library learnings

Sophomania
noun
To have a delusion that you have greater or superior intelligence than others.

baha! I think lots of people have this at times. I probably have it sometimes too. It's a disease, Watch out for it!

This little jewel comes from the book "Foyle's Philavary: A Treasury of Unusual Words".
Library of Congress catalog number: PE1460 .F635. Look for it at your library!

Also, I learned about the Bubble Boy today. Did you know there was a real Bubble boy? I didn't. I thought it was just some made up movie. I didn't think anyone would actually subject a child to a life like that. sad day. The poor kid really lived in a bubble his entire life. Until he died at the age of 12. He had a immune deficiency disease. I know about those! (If I had a past blog to refer you to read about that, I would. But I don't. Just know that, my immune system hated my liver for a while. ) Any way, the Bubble Boy's name is David Vetter. He was from Texas. :) Anyway, basically, the kid suffered from doctors that suffered from sophomania. basically. look it up on Wikipedia.

In real life. I mean, my life. The Summer is great. I'm loving the weather. embracing my A/C-less car. I love being a renter and getting management to fix all issues in my apartment, namely, the formerly broken A/C. Other than that.... I'm just flirting it up. (that sounds really bad.) No, but really, I'm trying to be friendly and get dates and such. I am earnestly seeking that eternal companion of mine. Wherever he may be. No more games please. uh, and I'm just working at the fabulous Lib.

This week the Institute for Young Dramatic Voices (IYDV) is starting up again. And I will be volunteering my time, again. My Aunt, Sarah Agler, and my voice teacher, Rosemary Mathews, have paired up with Dolora Zajick, a world traveled Mezzo Soprano. Don't worry, she's just sung at the Metropolitan Opera in New York and Sidney Australia, is all. (these three ladies know each other from school. in Nevada, I believe.) anyway, I will hopefully get a lesson in with my Aunt while she's here from San Diego. Anyway, good summer times.

Hope your summer is just as happy, fun, and relaxing as mine!

It's the little things in life. Toilets.

I have a secret joy. When using a public restroom it is the best to walk in to the stall and see pink/green/blue water. Why? Because this means that you are the first person to use it since it was last sanitized. And that is a good feeling.

Here are some interesting toilets and some facts about the toilet. Enjoy!

this is a "green" toilet. it lets you wash your hands and that water goes down into the tank to be used the next time the toilet is flushed. Very cool. I want one.

This toilet is a self cleaning one. I used one like it in Germany I think. It cleans the seat after every use!! Glorious!! The thing at the back of the seat actually has the cleaning stuff and the seat rotates, which is why its a perfect circle. :) genius!

This is just Cool! I'm not sure if those are real fish or not. I don't know how it would work, but kinda cool.

I'm not really sure what this is... A Siamese toilet?!?! I guess... Don't know the purpose.... I don't want to use a toilet where my butt would touch someone else's. Maybe it's just a photo shop trick...

13 Facts about toilets.

1. Int the film “Psycho” was the first movie to show a toilet flushing – the scene caused an inpouring of complaints about indecency

2. Pomegranates studded with cloves were used as the first attempt at making toilet air-freshner

3. Over $100,000 US dollars was spent on a study to determine whether most people put their toilet paper on the holder with the flap in front or behind; the answer: three out of four people have the flap in the front

4. King George II of Great Britain died falling off a toilet on the 25th of October 1760

5. The average person spends three whole years of their life sitting on the toilet

6. The first toilet stall in a row is the least used (and consequently cleanest)

7. An estimated 2.6 billion people worldwide do not have access to proper toilet facilities, particularly in rural areas of China and India.

8. The Roman army didn’t have toilet paper so they used a water soaked sponge on the end of a stick instead!

9. The toilet is flushed more times during the super bowl halftime than at any time during the year.

10. 90% of pharmaceuticals taken by people are excreted through urination. Therefore our sewer systems contain heavy doses of drugs. A recent study by the EPA has found fish containing trace amounts of estrogen, cholesterol-lowering drugs, pain relievers, antibiotics, caffeine and even anti-depressants.

11. Lack of suitable toilets and sanitation kills approximately 1.8 million people a year, many of them children.

12. The toilet handle in a public restroom can have up to 40,000 germs per square inch.

13. In a 1992 survey, British public toilets were voted the worst in the world. Following quickly behind were Thailand, Greece, and France.

Haha, sorry if the content offended. It's not my norm!

Sunday Blunders

Usually my ward is really great. And people give great talks. But there have been a couple, of late, that have really raised the eyebrows.
Firstly, there was the guy that got up two weeks ago and said that Nephi was no "beef cake", and that we could discover these kinds of "crack-pot theories" if you read the scriptures. Nephi was studious in the scriptures and so therefore he couldn't be a beef cake.... The man said the words "beef cake" and "crack pot theories over and over again. I think we all were just waiting for the bishop to ask him to sit down. It was pretty touch and go the whole talk. Haha! he's a nice guy and all, just came across the wrong way. But just remember kids, if you read the scriptures you can come up with these crackpot theories too!

Then there was this girl who was talking about virtues. And how they have the i-t-y endings. She's listing a few and says we need virtues like, "charity, humility, and the virtue of fertility...uh I mean fidelity. Oh man..wow." That one was soo funny. The whole congregation had to pull it together. Then she went on and talked about her not so clean past. There's nothing like revealing past transgressions to make an audience feel uncomfortable. Poor girl.

Anyway, I hope we return to normalcy soon, Although it is entertaining. If you have had any funny Sacrament meeting slip ups please share!

lazy days

For a while I was thinking I had nothing new to say; after reading several of my friends' blogs, I am inspired and I will give you something brief for a change.

These are the things I'm spending my summer days doing. I only work 18 hours a week, so I get to do a lot of play.

• Sleep, as much as I want.
• TV- Getting to catch up on Bones, 19 kids and counting, Glee and other various t.v. shows. Although I try to limit myself here.
• Trips to the Library! Love it. I've been riding the bike to the Provo Lib. So great! and then hauling 10 books in my bag on the way back. Free books is such a great idea. Here is the stack I had on my dresser next to my bed. from various libraries. :) I'm so meant to work at the library like I do.

• Getting ready for classes in the Fall...
• Watching Horatio Hornblower tv movies. Ioan Gruffudd is super hunky. (He also played Mr. Fantastic, in the Fantastic 4.) too bad he's married. Well, I mean, that is good for him. :) but I still like to look at him. And I usually don't get that superficial. Besides him, these movies are pretty good. If you like the seafaring, naval type show.

• Singing and practicing more. yay!
• Going to Institute! Also, I got my certificate of graduation/completion for Institute! Saweet!
• Going to the temple more. For my own family!
• Doing family history. I will have to post more on this later.
• I've thought a lot about exercising.
• Spent more time with Ben, my great brother. He's been taking me to movies. Last week we saw Prince of Persia. SO GOOD!! I loved it. I don't get overly enthusiastic about things, but I really thought this was a great movie. Perfect mix of action, romance, and mystery. He's pretty hunky too, if you like the long haired warrior look. Disney hopes this movie to be the start of the next Pirates of the Caribbean.

• I've been looking for a second job, half heartedly. This playing is too nice to give up...
• Spending time with my roommates and other friends.

All in all, the "Summer" has been great so far. Cool weather and good times. I am happy and loving it. Getting recharged for the craziness of school. Life is good, Heavenly Father is great!

The beat goes on.

So, I've just realized that I have this tendency to stop blogging when things are going well for me. So, my absence of late, in the blogging world, is a good sign.

Well, lets see. I finished the semester. I had 5 classes. of which I received two Bs and the rest I will need to retake. Bah. oh well. I have forgiven myself for my lack of good-grade-getting skills. I did my best. Also, I learned a lot. And I will learn a lot when I re-take those other 3 classes. *eye roll*

Just before I got my final grades I did a lot of thinking about school and wondering what on earth I was doing. I had little motivation. In part because of the Personal chaotic whilrwind of my life. But I also realized it was because I was pursuing a degree to become a high school choir teacher. And guess what? I DON'T WANT TO BE A HIGH SCHOOL CHOIR TEACHER! There. I said it. No offense to those that do want to be that. But to go after that goal, feels like a sentence for prison to me. So, I'm not gonna do it.

When I went in to take my Conducting Final (Final grade a B+. BooYah!) my teacher was giving me some pointers about my conducting goals. And I told him I didn't want to be a HS Choir teach. But that I supposed I would have to if I ever wanted to teach in College. (Which deep down, is what I've always known I wanted to do.) And, God bless him, Dr. Colonna said I didn't have to! He asked what about music I really like to do. I shyly told him that I have a secret passion for Music Theory. And he exclaimed, "Then do THAT!" Joy filled my heart as he explained to me that I could get a masters degree IN music theory! I had no idea! I was SOOO excited. And that, because it's a pretty rare degree, I would probably be able to get an assistanceship while I went to grad school. Which means they pay for your tuition while you help teach under-grad classes. HOW COOL! And that the teaching you do while working on your degree counts as collegiate experience which you can put on your resume when you go looking for a job! way cool! And so, for the first time in 5 years, I am really excited about my future plans with music. I want to be a college professor in Music Theory and teach Voice lessons, and conduct a little choir if they'd let me. :)

Sorry that was a lot about music. But I just have to add, I can graduate in 4 more semesters! huzzah!

Now, to end, I am going to shift to things of a spiritual nature. So, about two posts ago I mentioned after Andrew and I broke up that I was pretty optimistic about the future despite the pain. But after two weeks after, the first week of April, I really started to take it hard. I had been in shock. And the full pain of my loss hit me. I ached over the loss of my dream. I know it will happen for me one day. But I had thought it was happening now. And losing that was excruciatingly painful for me. I had an ever-present pain in my heart. I stopped smiling, when I wasn't in front of people. I cried in my car. I would go for days without an appetite, and then I would eat all sugar within site. I didn't go to my morning classes for the last 5 weeks of school probably. I even slept through my shift at the temple a time or two and work. I was depressed and hurting a lot. I've had my heart broken before over various things. True heart brake. But this was the most invasive and encompassing heartbreak I have felt, to date. And I couldn't focus on my school work. So, I was worried about the whole semester being a waste and I fell even more behind. ANYway. It was rough. (There were also worries about family and work that were weighing on me at this time.)

BUT on the 18th of April I was passing out flyers for my concert and took one to my Home Teacher's home and just started chatting. (BTW, these were the two best HTs a girl could have asked for. They always brought the Spirit into my home and they came over the day after I broke up with Andrew and were so awesome as I started bawling and gave me great support and council.) Any way we had a visit and I asked for a blessing from them. (Remember, my heart was still hurting as it had been just a month since the break up. ) But Harris and Trevor gave me a blessing and it was SO perfect and healing. Few blessings in my life, and I've had a lot, have given me such immediate relief. I was blessed to have hope again and that my heart would be healed. After I they finished the blessing I got ready to go to my show, and I was already back to my old happy self by the time I got to the Institute. The next day as I drove to school I was listening to the radio and singing loud with the windows rolled down and smiling, just being by myself. And that hadn't happened for months. I just want to testify that the Priesthood is real and that Heavenly Father loves, knows and has compassion for us. He understands our weaknesses so intimately. And loves us still. I am so grateful for His love and help through all of the winds and storms that will come to me in this life. With him it is all possible.

And so, now that I am feeling back to my old self, the beat goes on.

Destination: Overwhelmed

Ladies and Gentlemen, we would like to thank you for traveling with us. We have arrived at the destination of

Overwhelmed.

where every step you take looks like Mount Everest.

For those of you that had a connection to Straight A City, that flight has been cancelled and re-routed through Failure.

Thank you for trying.

Sometimes He Lets it Rain

I've had a rough semester. And I got some disappointing news tonight. Not devastating. Just disappointing. And I was wondering to myself why He won't just let me catch a break. And this song popped into my head. I feel this way. I am in both places each verse describes. I feel the storm clouds raging. But I also see how far I've come. But right now He IS letting it rain in my life.

She sees the storm clouds gather

The sky is turning cold and grey

She knows that somethings coming

When she starts to feel this way

She pleads for intervention

But Heaven offers no relief

But she would understand

If she could only see

Sometimes He lets it rain;

He lets the fierce winds blow

Sometimes it takes a storm

To lead a heart where it can grow.

He can move mountains of grief

And oceans of pain.

But sometimes He lets it rain

When her heart surrenders

To the Master in control

Her spirit learns the lessons

Of the tempest in her soul

When it's no longer raging

She can see how far she's come

Through the wisdom

and the mercy of the Son.

Sometimes He lets it rain;

He lets the fierce winds blow

Sometimes it takes a storm

To lead a heart where it can grow.

He can move mountains of grief

And oceans of pain.

But sometimes He lets it rain

But Storms can't last forever.

no one understands

Well, here it is. Andrew and I broke up. for good. I hate saying that.

3 weeks ago, we went on a "break". In which we decided he had 2 weeks to decide whether he wanted to marry me, or not.

You see we had dated for 10 months already. And in my book, I was ready to either get headed down the isle, so to speak, or move on. We had talked about getting married in August but hadn't made any commitments or definite plans.

But the two week break was up last week and he called and we met and talked. And he decided that there were sacrifices I was asking him to make, that he wasn't willing to make. And if he wasn't willing now, he wouldn't be willing when we got married either. And so, that was that. There are more details, too many to share, that in the end make this the right decision. And he is right, if he can't do it now, he wouldn't then, and we would both be unhappy. I don't want to get into the details of what made our relationship good and what made it not work. There's too much of that. But I will say, I was very happy with him at times, and had hope for that happiness to last into eternity. I think that he saw those happy times, when we were at our best, and it scared him, and he would back off. And that is what made it not good.

So, in the aftermath of my first breakup, I am feeling surprisingly good. and surprisingly terrible. I was in love with him. I thought I was going to marry him. I had dreamed of so many things about a future with him. I knew he had weaknesses, but they weren't "deal breaker" ones. I could deal with them. We were so compatible in so many ways. He made me laugh, and he made me smile. And we always wanted to do the same things. Our interests overlapped a lot, and it made for having a good time with him, always. I loved to talk about Gospel things with him, because he knows the scriptures so well.

But, when it comes down to it, it seems that I have had more life experiences and have had practice walking into the darkness and having Faith in the Lord and His plan. And now, looking back there were signs, that it wasn't going to work out. But, I was just hoping that something would change and he would decide he really wanted to be IN love with me and not just love me. But that never happened.

So, some days I am ok. Monday and Tuesday were ok. But the rest of the week has been a struggle. I did a survey thing for LDC and it asked the question "what is the most exciting thing that has happened to you this year?" and I could not think of a single really great thing that has happened to me. It has been a rough semester. And now I understand why I am behind in my classes. And it is a little overwhelming to have gone through and to be going through all that I have and am. I got Mono in January, which was right in the middle of my parent's loosing their home. I grew up in that house for 13 and a half years. And the bank foreclosed because my dad lost his job last June, and hasn't been making payments. So, they had to move out of the house by the first of February. So, I got REALLY behind in my classes. Then, the mono really ended up being a catalyst to my relationship with Andrew ending. So, Mono, Parent's moving, breakup with someone I thought I was going to marry, all in three months. It's been a lot.

The point I really wanted to make is this, I know God has someone out there for me. I know he will show up at the right time. I have faith in His plan for me. But it hurts right now. And there is no one that has been able to make me feel better by saying something to me. I know everyone has good intentions. But it just frustrates me and makes it more apparent that no one understands my experience and exactly what I am feeling at the time. Only my Savior does. He has been through it all. Now I can draw upon His strength to get me through this when no one else can. I appreciate all the love and support from all my dear friends and family. But no one (not even myself really.) truly understands the mix of, hope, despair, peace, pain, and faith that I am feeling. (And it's not just the breakup, it's all of those things, combined, that create the recipe of my feelings.)

But thank you for your love, and prayers. I know I will feel better with time. I will heal eventually. And everything will be fine. I know this post is long, but I just wanted to share a quote that I got on Wed. that really helped me to feel better, then I will be done for now.

This is Elder Wirthlin from his talk "Come What May." in Oct 2008 General Conference.

"How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can't- at least not in the moment. I don't think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don't think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life. If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness."