The beat goes on.

So, I've just realized that I have this tendency to stop blogging when things are going well for me. So, my absence of late, in the blogging world, is a good sign.

Well, lets see. I finished the semester. I had 5 classes. of which I received two Bs and the rest I will need to retake. Bah. oh well. I have forgiven myself for my lack of good-grade-getting skills. I did my best. Also, I learned a lot. And I will learn a lot when I re-take those other 3 classes. *eye roll*

Just before I got my final grades I did a lot of thinking about school and wondering what on earth I was doing. I had little motivation. In part because of the Personal chaotic whilrwind of my life. But I also realized it was because I was pursuing a degree to become a high school choir teacher. And guess what? I DON'T WANT TO BE A HIGH SCHOOL CHOIR TEACHER! There. I said it. No offense to those that do want to be that. But to go after that goal, feels like a sentence for prison to me. So, I'm not gonna do it.

When I went in to take my Conducting Final (Final grade a B+. BooYah!) my teacher was giving me some pointers about my conducting goals. And I told him I didn't want to be a HS Choir teach. But that I supposed I would have to if I ever wanted to teach in College. (Which deep down, is what I've always known I wanted to do.) And, God bless him, Dr. Colonna said I didn't have to! He asked what about music I really like to do. I shyly told him that I have a secret passion for Music Theory. And he exclaimed, "Then do THAT!" Joy filled my heart as he explained to me that I could get a masters degree IN music theory! I had no idea! I was SOOO excited. And that, because it's a pretty rare degree, I would probably be able to get an assistanceship while I went to grad school. Which means they pay for your tuition while you help teach under-grad classes. HOW COOL! And that the teaching you do while working on your degree counts as collegiate experience which you can put on your resume when you go looking for a job! way cool! And so, for the first time in 5 years, I am really excited about my future plans with music. I want to be a college professor in Music Theory and teach Voice lessons, and conduct a little choir if they'd let me. :)

Sorry that was a lot about music. But I just have to add, I can graduate in 4 more semesters! huzzah!

Now, to end, I am going to shift to things of a spiritual nature. So, about two posts ago I mentioned after Andrew and I broke up that I was pretty optimistic about the future despite the pain. But after two weeks after, the first week of April, I really started to take it hard. I had been in shock. And the full pain of my loss hit me. I ached over the loss of my dream. I know it will happen for me one day. But I had thought it was happening now. And losing that was excruciatingly painful for me. I had an ever-present pain in my heart. I stopped smiling, when I wasn't in front of people. I cried in my car. I would go for days without an appetite, and then I would eat all sugar within site. I didn't go to my morning classes for the last 5 weeks of school probably. I even slept through my shift at the temple a time or two and work. I was depressed and hurting a lot. I've had my heart broken before over various things. True heart brake. But this was the most invasive and encompassing heartbreak I have felt, to date. And I couldn't focus on my school work. So, I was worried about the whole semester being a waste and I fell even more behind. ANYway. It was rough. (There were also worries about family and work that were weighing on me at this time.)

BUT on the 18th of April I was passing out flyers for my concert and took one to my Home Teacher's home and just started chatting. (BTW, these were the two best HTs a girl could have asked for. They always brought the Spirit into my home and they came over the day after I broke up with Andrew and were so awesome as I started bawling and gave me great support and council.) Any way we had a visit and I asked for a blessing from them. (Remember, my heart was still hurting as it had been just a month since the break up. ) But Harris and Trevor gave me a blessing and it was SO perfect and healing. Few blessings in my life, and I've had a lot, have given me such immediate relief. I was blessed to have hope again and that my heart would be healed. After I they finished the blessing I got ready to go to my show, and I was already back to my old happy self by the time I got to the Institute. The next day as I drove to school I was listening to the radio and singing loud with the windows rolled down and smiling, just being by myself. And that hadn't happened for months. I just want to testify that the Priesthood is real and that Heavenly Father loves, knows and has compassion for us. He understands our weaknesses so intimately. And loves us still. I am so grateful for His love and help through all of the winds and storms that will come to me in this life. With him it is all possible.

And so, now that I am feeling back to my old self, the beat goes on.

Destination: Overwhelmed

Ladies and Gentlemen, we would like to thank you for traveling with us. We have arrived at the destination of

Overwhelmed.

where every step you take looks like Mount Everest.

For those of you that had a connection to Straight A City, that flight has been cancelled and re-routed through Failure.

Thank you for trying.

little letters of frustration

To the two dudes sitting in front of me at the computers in the library,
SHUT UP. I am trying to write a paper that is due in two hours! And I don't want to hear how you both nailed your econ exams.

To certain a certain person,
You scheduled way too many performances for us and helped stress me out by doing so. You say that our school is more important than choir, but you definitely helped contribute to my lame grades this semester by asking so much of us. I don't know how to say no very well. And I got a knot in the middle of my back for the first time in my life that would twitch in pain when I was particularly stressed.

To the cold I had for 4 weeks,
I hate you.

To my bad habits of procrastination,
I hate you more.

To my English teacher,
Thanks for being so nice and letting me turn in my paper way late. I wish I was going to get it finished. It probably isn't going to happen. Thanks anyway; I guess I'll take the crap grade.

To my roommates,
Thanks for throwing me a birthday party last night. Even though it distracted me from doing this paper that I really needed to be doing. I really do love you.

To Andrew,
Thanks for being you. I wish we had more time for each other. School is stupid (and that is an oxymoron.)

To me,
Sometimes you suck. Not always, but definitely sometimes. You have got to start doing your homework on time. Take control of your circumstances and create success in your life more often. Don't give up. Keep trying. Forgive yourself. God doesn't care about your grades, he cares about your heart. Learn from this and move on. again.

My biggest weakness

I was sitting on the couch this morning thinking. This is the time of the semester I hate. I know that most people feel this way. But really, I feel like I am forced to look at the weakest part of myself every semester at this time. To quote a song written by my roommate, "All my insecurities are staring me down. I'm stumbling off the edge, about to fall." (The rest of her song gets happy, but I'm not ready to get to that part yet.) You see, I love to learn. But I am not a very good student. A bit of a paradox. One thing always goes wrong (usually getting sick, or just realizing how much I've told people I would do.) at mid-point of the semester, and then I never get back on top of things. I keep thinking to myself "this isn't like me." as I explain to my teachers why my assignments are late. But it really is like me. Every semester, the same thing over again. At the beginning of the semester I always start out thinking it will be different this time. That I won't procrastinate my assignments, that I will not turn them in late and I will study on time. But, I loose sight of the end goal when I'm just starting out. I forget that those papers come up a lot faster than you think they do. I always start out on a decent sleep schedule. But by the end of the semester it is sporadic, and I go to bed at 3 on Monday, 11 on Tuesday, 12 on Wednesday 9 on Thursday and 2 on Friday. My body hates me when I do that, and so then I sleep through my classes. I can never decide if it's better to stay up late and do homework, when I can't think anyway, or if I should just go to bed, and hope I'll have time during the day, when I'm awake. Then there are people that I know who seem to balance everything perfectly. For example, I knew a girl in one of my classes, she is a mom of three, double majoring in Dance and Music Ed, and taking like 16 credits. I don't understand how other people can put so much into their lives and survive. I just think that when I have 3 kids, if I'm still in school, ( heaven help me if I am,) that I won't be able to take more than one class and stay sane. let alone 16 credits worth. I guess it comes down to the fact that I need down time, and I am not good at making myself do things I don't want to do. I always forget to schedule in down time when I am planning out my next semester's schedule. I think I get a little better each semester, but, not noticeably enough. I planned things out last spring for this Fall semester. But what I didn't know when I planned my life, was that I would have a boyfriend. That has added to the stress and time management deficiencies I have. I love having Andrew around, and he is an excellent student. But I can't help the emotional ups and downs that have come with him and have effected my ability to get things done at times. Here's a tip, don't date someone that goes to a different school than you and lives in a different town, because you'll never see each other if you both go to school full-time and have jobs. (I go to UVU and live in Provo. He goes to BYU and lives in Springville.)

So you may be wondering about Andrew. I'll add a quick side note. He and I have been dating for 7 months. Craziness. Things are good. But, still not serious that we are legitimately talking about marriage. It's definitely a possibility, which is why we're dating. But it's slow going when you only see each other 2 times a week, and one of those is a night of homework and going to institute. I'm hoping to get lots of time with him after finals.

My perspectives on dating have changed since I first went out with Andrew. I NEVER thought I would date someone for 7 months plus, and still not know if I was going to marry the guy. (It is highly possible. But we still don't know.) But, because we don't see each other everyday, and never have since we started dating, things are slow. Which I have adjusted to, and become okay with. I wish I could see him everyday. But there are other things factoring into it, besides my wants. Yet, things are good though.

so, School, it is the bane of my existence. I wish I was done. Or was just better at it. But I suppose I'll keep trying, and maybe I'll get it down one day. Here's to hoping you're doing better than I am in school. Good luck with your finals if you have them.

Woah, update. Almost a year home!

Well, It's about time I said something here. Since the winter Semester ended I have not had much to say. I've been totally busy. But here I am, at work, clients in bed, and nothing to do, and I decided that now was a good time to say all that I don't have to say.

LDC tour was at the beginning of May. It was great, a huge Spiritual feast. And that's when I really started to realize I liked Andrew. We texted everyday, pretty much. And started to go on dates. In my unsureness of how much I liked him, a wise friend of mine said, "let him show you why you should like him." Well, that friend was right. More and more, usually daily, I am awed, surprised, or pleased by something he says and my like grows. It's great. Who would have thought?! seriously! We are SO similar and have so much in common. Most importantly he loves the Gospel, like I do. He is so supportive and thoughtful. I love it. He came out of nowhere (kind of). Some other time, I will explain more about how we met and how this all happened. But not just yet. But let me update you on some other things.

The things that take up my time right now:
1. Andrew has been taking up much if not most of my spare time. I haven't even had a lot of time to go down and visit my Jenny. Sad day. But we talk everyday, so it's mostly ok. Also, keeping up with all my other dear dear friends. Who I really love and care deeply about.

2. I am taking a 3 cr Biology class. Distance learning. That is going.....fine. I just have to do it.

3. I have a calling, that has been sucking a lot of my time up. Sacrament Programs, Bulletin boards, Ward Directory, Website updates. Seriously. I've got to delegate some of this stuff out. Really.

4. I have also been taking voice lessons more regularly and it makes me happy. I am now preparing to audition for the BYU Music program this December. Yikes, I'm a little nervous about that. I don't know how it will all work out for me to make it in to the School and the program, but I'll just work hard and hope for the best. I love to sing, SO Much! and I haven't really gotten to do it to the level I love, for a long time. In preparation for my audition, I'm hoping to be able to have a mini recital in the Fall. We'll see. Lots of other things have to fall in to place first. But, let me just say, there is nothing like singing to your full potential and hearing this sound come out of your own mouth that you think is beautiful, especially when you hit those high notes and they just ring. ahhh, bliss.

5. Work is good. I FINALLY got Mondays off. Just today. And I will be able to go to FHE for the second time this year, next week. YAY! One of my clients just moved out and so now I only have to take care of one guy. Cello (Marcello). He's happy and usually a pleasure to work with. (Although, he is the one that has caused much of the stress written about in previous blog(s). I still like him.)

My family is in a little bit of financial distress, and I worry about them a bit. But it will be okay. God will take care of them.

I have been home from my mission for almost a year. On the 25th of this month. I can't believe it. I have missed it so much at times. It is amazing how an experience can occupy a chunk of your heart. I really don't know that you can understand the feeling unless you have served a mission. I hate saying that. But I think that it may be true. Although, the reason I feel so strongly about my mission is because of the tender and sacred experiences I had in Houston. (So, if you've had trials that have put you through the ringer, and you have come to love them, and wouldn't trade them, this is a similar feeling. Like how the hand cart Pioneers wouldn't trade their experiences because of the lessons it taught them. ) It's not really like I saw an angel, or saw someone who was blind, healed. But it was when I became more fully acquainted with God. Where he taught me how to love and nurture some of his children more fully. He loves us all so much! And I really learned to feel that for other people, to a larger degree. I also learned that His plan is not what mine is, but is always better. And if people don't have interest in the Gospel today, they may another day, and every single thing I did as a missionary was to prepare, soften, and nurture some one's heart to be able to receive the Fullness of the Gospel at some future date, if they want to. He is amazing, and has a perfect plan and every pain we go through helps us become more like him, if we let it. (it also helps us have compassion for other people in their times of need.)

Anyway, I have had a great month since school got out and I think this is going to be a great Summer. (more entrees sooner than later. promise.)

school and bleh-stress

I just want to state that life is crazy. The bad thing about that? I am such a planner. I like to get all the little details figured out. I have now planned out all my classes for next year, and how many classes I would have left to take if I get accepted to BYU for Fall 2010. So,there are plans in place. 4.0 GPAs needed and stress in place. I think in someways planning ahead reduces my stress but also makes it worse. Since I worry about all these goals I have. And how on earth I will accomplish them. (For instance I am allready worrying about my audition for the music program which will take place in Jan 2010!) Bleh. Well, one thing I have learned is that, whatever happens happens, and God is really in control, not me. Since He is perfect, that is just fine with me. But sometimes I operate under the delusion I am under control, that's when stress happens. Oh well, seems that His plan is for it to take 3 schools for me to get my bachelors. sigh. But happy, it's been great so far and will continue to be. I'm sure.

Mid-terms

So, after mid-terms have come and gone, I have decided a few things.
a.) I am not going to stay up as late. Unless I work till midnight. As this causes an abundance of sleep deprivation. Which in turn leads to me not getting up on time to catch the ..... bus. Which in turn causes me to miss class. No bueno.
b.) I am going to actually do my homework for my ethics class. It is quite the class and I don't really enjoy the content. But I am a quality person! and I WILL get a good grade in my two blasted classes this semester if it kills me! I generally get decent grades. But, seriously, I have a new found desire to excel in my classes. There's nothing like getting sub-par grades to inspire you to "get into gear", "get with the program", "turn a new leaf" or whatever you want to call it.

4.0 GPA here I come!

Okay, probably not, but it is a nice thought.