The beat goes on.

So, I've just realized that I have this tendency to stop blogging when things are going well for me. So, my absence of late, in the blogging world, is a good sign.

Well, lets see. I finished the semester. I had 5 classes. of which I received two Bs and the rest I will need to retake. Bah. oh well. I have forgiven myself for my lack of good-grade-getting skills. I did my best. Also, I learned a lot. And I will learn a lot when I re-take those other 3 classes. *eye roll*

Just before I got my final grades I did a lot of thinking about school and wondering what on earth I was doing. I had little motivation. In part because of the Personal chaotic whilrwind of my life. But I also realized it was because I was pursuing a degree to become a high school choir teacher. And guess what? I DON'T WANT TO BE A HIGH SCHOOL CHOIR TEACHER! There. I said it. No offense to those that do want to be that. But to go after that goal, feels like a sentence for prison to me. So, I'm not gonna do it.

When I went in to take my Conducting Final (Final grade a B+. BooYah!) my teacher was giving me some pointers about my conducting goals. And I told him I didn't want to be a HS Choir teach. But that I supposed I would have to if I ever wanted to teach in College. (Which deep down, is what I've always known I wanted to do.) And, God bless him, Dr. Colonna said I didn't have to! He asked what about music I really like to do. I shyly told him that I have a secret passion for Music Theory. And he exclaimed, "Then do THAT!" Joy filled my heart as he explained to me that I could get a masters degree IN music theory! I had no idea! I was SOOO excited. And that, because it's a pretty rare degree, I would probably be able to get an assistanceship while I went to grad school. Which means they pay for your tuition while you help teach under-grad classes. HOW COOL! And that the teaching you do while working on your degree counts as collegiate experience which you can put on your resume when you go looking for a job! way cool! And so, for the first time in 5 years, I am really excited about my future plans with music. I want to be a college professor in Music Theory and teach Voice lessons, and conduct a little choir if they'd let me. :)

Sorry that was a lot about music. But I just have to add, I can graduate in 4 more semesters! huzzah!

Now, to end, I am going to shift to things of a spiritual nature. So, about two posts ago I mentioned after Andrew and I broke up that I was pretty optimistic about the future despite the pain. But after two weeks after, the first week of April, I really started to take it hard. I had been in shock. And the full pain of my loss hit me. I ached over the loss of my dream. I know it will happen for me one day. But I had thought it was happening now. And losing that was excruciatingly painful for me. I had an ever-present pain in my heart. I stopped smiling, when I wasn't in front of people. I cried in my car. I would go for days without an appetite, and then I would eat all sugar within site. I didn't go to my morning classes for the last 5 weeks of school probably. I even slept through my shift at the temple a time or two and work. I was depressed and hurting a lot. I've had my heart broken before over various things. True heart brake. But this was the most invasive and encompassing heartbreak I have felt, to date. And I couldn't focus on my school work. So, I was worried about the whole semester being a waste and I fell even more behind. ANYway. It was rough. (There were also worries about family and work that were weighing on me at this time.)

BUT on the 18th of April I was passing out flyers for my concert and took one to my Home Teacher's home and just started chatting. (BTW, these were the two best HTs a girl could have asked for. They always brought the Spirit into my home and they came over the day after I broke up with Andrew and were so awesome as I started bawling and gave me great support and council.) Any way we had a visit and I asked for a blessing from them. (Remember, my heart was still hurting as it had been just a month since the break up. ) But Harris and Trevor gave me a blessing and it was SO perfect and healing. Few blessings in my life, and I've had a lot, have given me such immediate relief. I was blessed to have hope again and that my heart would be healed. After I they finished the blessing I got ready to go to my show, and I was already back to my old happy self by the time I got to the Institute. The next day as I drove to school I was listening to the radio and singing loud with the windows rolled down and smiling, just being by myself. And that hadn't happened for months. I just want to testify that the Priesthood is real and that Heavenly Father loves, knows and has compassion for us. He understands our weaknesses so intimately. And loves us still. I am so grateful for His love and help through all of the winds and storms that will come to me in this life. With him it is all possible.

And so, now that I am feeling back to my old self, the beat goes on.

becoming

I'm a little somber tonight. It was a bit of an emotional weekend and I just can't seem to move past it. Which, if I shared the details, you would tell me it's understandable to not be past it. But I'm not going to share details. (Shocker huh! I am normally very open about my private life. But as this involves someone else, I am not going to be. Today. ) I feel inclined to share some insights. So, this probably won't be very entertaining. sorry.

Firstly, I am inclined to keep an eternal perspective as of late. This is good. I also feel like I am such a weak and simple creature; there is so much about God's all-knowing plan that I do not even have the capacity to comprehend. It amazes me how the pieces all fit together. And they always do. How does he do it? I marvel at his ability to guide, everyone's life, so that we can all learn at the rate we need to. How? I think his brain is the size of the universe.

For example. Me. When I was younger, I went through some very interesting trials. Most people my age didn't go through those kinds of things. The foundation of my testimony was built in those years. And in subsequent years it has only grown. I have no doubts about the validity of the truth found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.) Let me repeat, NO DOUBTS. I know. I have been up and down, in and through enough for me to know and no longer just simply believe.

Despite this

I still have much to learn. But, by my side, always, through the trials, is the assurance that everything will be alright. I do need Him in my life. I can't do it without him. (I can be so lame sometimes. And I hate that part of me.) He is my rock. No matter what pains and trials come my way... it will be ok. These things are for my good and will give me experience. I must be tried in all things. Not so he knows that I will always stay faithful, but so that I know I will always be true. I will then be confident in my gaining exaltation and having earned it.

Earning it is relative. None of the glories of eternity would be possible for us without the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The Atonement is what enables me to let go of my fears because I cannot see the next step to take. It is what gives me the ability to smile and laugh during any trial. There is joy in the journey. He loves us. Ask for the faith promoting experiences you need to become what he wants you to be. Then they will come. And in the end you will look back and be grateful for all the messiness of life he allowed you to go through, because you will have become acquainted with God during your extremities. Nothing is more valuable than that. Nothing.

This is what I know. May you be blessed, as I have been, am now, and hope to continue to be, with experiences that pull you to your knees.

Joanna