little letters of frustration

To the two dudes sitting in front of me at the computers in the library,
SHUT UP. I am trying to write a paper that is due in two hours! And I don't want to hear how you both nailed your econ exams.

To certain a certain person,
You scheduled way too many performances for us and helped stress me out by doing so. You say that our school is more important than choir, but you definitely helped contribute to my lame grades this semester by asking so much of us. I don't know how to say no very well. And I got a knot in the middle of my back for the first time in my life that would twitch in pain when I was particularly stressed.

To the cold I had for 4 weeks,
I hate you.

To my bad habits of procrastination,
I hate you more.

To my English teacher,
Thanks for being so nice and letting me turn in my paper way late. I wish I was going to get it finished. It probably isn't going to happen. Thanks anyway; I guess I'll take the crap grade.

To my roommates,
Thanks for throwing me a birthday party last night. Even though it distracted me from doing this paper that I really needed to be doing. I really do love you.

To Andrew,
Thanks for being you. I wish we had more time for each other. School is stupid (and that is an oxymoron.)

To me,
Sometimes you suck. Not always, but definitely sometimes. You have got to start doing your homework on time. Take control of your circumstances and create success in your life more often. Don't give up. Keep trying. Forgive yourself. God doesn't care about your grades, he cares about your heart. Learn from this and move on. again.

My biggest weakness

I was sitting on the couch this morning thinking. This is the time of the semester I hate. I know that most people feel this way. But really, I feel like I am forced to look at the weakest part of myself every semester at this time. To quote a song written by my roommate, "All my insecurities are staring me down. I'm stumbling off the edge, about to fall." (The rest of her song gets happy, but I'm not ready to get to that part yet.) You see, I love to learn. But I am not a very good student. A bit of a paradox. One thing always goes wrong (usually getting sick, or just realizing how much I've told people I would do.) at mid-point of the semester, and then I never get back on top of things. I keep thinking to myself "this isn't like me." as I explain to my teachers why my assignments are late. But it really is like me. Every semester, the same thing over again. At the beginning of the semester I always start out thinking it will be different this time. That I won't procrastinate my assignments, that I will not turn them in late and I will study on time. But, I loose sight of the end goal when I'm just starting out. I forget that those papers come up a lot faster than you think they do. I always start out on a decent sleep schedule. But by the end of the semester it is sporadic, and I go to bed at 3 on Monday, 11 on Tuesday, 12 on Wednesday 9 on Thursday and 2 on Friday. My body hates me when I do that, and so then I sleep through my classes. I can never decide if it's better to stay up late and do homework, when I can't think anyway, or if I should just go to bed, and hope I'll have time during the day, when I'm awake. Then there are people that I know who seem to balance everything perfectly. For example, I knew a girl in one of my classes, she is a mom of three, double majoring in Dance and Music Ed, and taking like 16 credits. I don't understand how other people can put so much into their lives and survive. I just think that when I have 3 kids, if I'm still in school, ( heaven help me if I am,) that I won't be able to take more than one class and stay sane. let alone 16 credits worth. I guess it comes down to the fact that I need down time, and I am not good at making myself do things I don't want to do. I always forget to schedule in down time when I am planning out my next semester's schedule. I think I get a little better each semester, but, not noticeably enough. I planned things out last spring for this Fall semester. But what I didn't know when I planned my life, was that I would have a boyfriend. That has added to the stress and time management deficiencies I have. I love having Andrew around, and he is an excellent student. But I can't help the emotional ups and downs that have come with him and have effected my ability to get things done at times. Here's a tip, don't date someone that goes to a different school than you and lives in a different town, because you'll never see each other if you both go to school full-time and have jobs. (I go to UVU and live in Provo. He goes to BYU and lives in Springville.)

So you may be wondering about Andrew. I'll add a quick side note. He and I have been dating for 7 months. Craziness. Things are good. But, still not serious that we are legitimately talking about marriage. It's definitely a possibility, which is why we're dating. But it's slow going when you only see each other 2 times a week, and one of those is a night of homework and going to institute. I'm hoping to get lots of time with him after finals.

My perspectives on dating have changed since I first went out with Andrew. I NEVER thought I would date someone for 7 months plus, and still not know if I was going to marry the guy. (It is highly possible. But we still don't know.) But, because we don't see each other everyday, and never have since we started dating, things are slow. Which I have adjusted to, and become okay with. I wish I could see him everyday. But there are other things factoring into it, besides my wants. Yet, things are good though.

so, School, it is the bane of my existence. I wish I was done. Or was just better at it. But I suppose I'll keep trying, and maybe I'll get it down one day. Here's to hoping you're doing better than I am in school. Good luck with your finals if you have them.