3 weeks ago, we went on a "break". In which we decided he had 2 weeks to decide whether he wanted to marry me, or not.
You see we had dated for 10 months already. And in my book, I was ready to either get headed down the isle, so to speak, or move on. We had talked about getting married in August but hadn't made any commitments or definite plans.
But the two week break was up last week and he called and we met and talked. And he decided that there were sacrifices I was asking him to make, that he wasn't willing to make. And if he wasn't willing now, he wouldn't be willing when we got married either. And so, that was that. There are more details, too many to share, that in the end make this the right decision. And he is right, if he can't do it now, he wouldn't then, and we would both be unhappy. I don't want to get into the details of what made our relationship good and what made it not work. There's too much of that. But I will say, I was very happy with him at times, and had hope for that happiness to last into eternity. I think that he saw those happy times, when we were at our best, and it scared him, and he would back off. And that is what made it not good.
So, in the aftermath of my first breakup, I am feeling surprisingly good. and surprisingly terrible. I was in love with him. I thought I was going to marry him. I had dreamed of so many things about a future with him. I knew he had weaknesses, but they weren't "deal breaker" ones. I could deal with them. We were so compatible in so many ways. He made me laugh, and he made me smile. And we always wanted to do the same things. Our interests overlapped a lot, and it made for having a good time with him, always. I loved to talk about Gospel things with him, because he knows the scriptures so well.
But, when it comes down to it, it seems that I have had more life experiences and have had practice walking into the darkness and having Faith in the Lord and His plan. And now, looking back there were signs, that it wasn't going to work out. But, I was just hoping that something would change and he would decide he really wanted to be IN love with me and not just love me. But that never happened.
So, some days I am ok. Monday and Tuesday were ok. But the rest of the week has been a struggle. I did a survey thing for LDC and it asked the question "what is the most exciting thing that has happened to you this year?" and I could not think of a single really great thing that has happened to me. It has been a rough semester. And now I understand why I am behind in my classes. And it is a little overwhelming to have gone through and to be going through all that I have and am. I got Mono in January, which was right in the middle of my parent's loosing their home. I grew up in that house for 13 and a half years. And the bank foreclosed because my dad lost his job last June, and hasn't been making payments. So, they had to move out of the house by the first of February. So, I got REALLY behind in my classes. Then, the mono really ended up being a catalyst to my relationship with Andrew ending. So, Mono, Parent's moving, breakup with someone I thought I was going to marry, all in three months. It's been a lot.
The point I really wanted to make is this, I know God has someone out there for me. I know he will show up at the right time. I have faith in His plan for me. But it hurts right now. And there is no one that has been able to make me feel better by saying something to me. I know everyone has good intentions. But it just frustrates me and makes it more apparent that no one understands my experience and exactly what I am feeling at the time. Only my Savior does. He has been through it all. Now I can draw upon His strength to get me through this when no one else can. I appreciate all the love and support from all my dear friends and family. But no one (not even myself really.) truly understands the mix of, hope, despair, peace, pain, and faith that I am feeling. (And it's not just the breakup, it's all of those things, combined, that create the recipe of my feelings.)
But thank you for your love, and prayers. I know I will feel better with time. I will heal eventually. And everything will be fine. I know this post is long, but I just wanted to share a quote that I got on Wed. that really helped me to feel better, then I will be done for now.
This is Elder Wirthlin from his talk "Come What May." in Oct 2008 General Conference.
"How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can't- at least not in the moment. I don't think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don't think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life. If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness."
