Sunday Blunders

Usually my ward is really great. And people give great talks. But there have been a couple, of late, that have really raised the eyebrows.
Firstly, there was the guy that got up two weeks ago and said that Nephi was no "beef cake", and that we could discover these kinds of "crack-pot theories" if you read the scriptures. Nephi was studious in the scriptures and so therefore he couldn't be a beef cake.... The man said the words "beef cake" and "crack pot theories over and over again. I think we all were just waiting for the bishop to ask him to sit down. It was pretty touch and go the whole talk. Haha! he's a nice guy and all, just came across the wrong way. But just remember kids, if you read the scriptures you can come up with these crackpot theories too!

Then there was this girl who was talking about virtues. And how they have the i-t-y endings. She's listing a few and says we need virtues like, "charity, humility, and the virtue of fertility...uh I mean fidelity. Oh man..wow." That one was soo funny. The whole congregation had to pull it together. Then she went on and talked about her not so clean past. There's nothing like revealing past transgressions to make an audience feel uncomfortable. Poor girl.

Anyway, I hope we return to normalcy soon, Although it is entertaining. If you have had any funny Sacrament meeting slip ups please share!

lazy days

For a while I was thinking I had nothing new to say; after reading several of my friends' blogs, I am inspired and I will give you something brief for a change.

These are the things I'm spending my summer days doing. I only work 18 hours a week, so I get to do a lot of play.

• Sleep, as much as I want.
• TV- Getting to catch up on Bones, 19 kids and counting, Glee and other various t.v. shows. Although I try to limit myself here.
• Trips to the Library! Love it. I've been riding the bike to the Provo Lib. So great! and then hauling 10 books in my bag on the way back. Free books is such a great idea. Here is the stack I had on my dresser next to my bed. from various libraries. :) I'm so meant to work at the library like I do.

• Getting ready for classes in the Fall...
• Watching Horatio Hornblower tv movies. Ioan Gruffudd is super hunky. (He also played Mr. Fantastic, in the Fantastic 4.) too bad he's married. Well, I mean, that is good for him. :) but I still like to look at him. And I usually don't get that superficial. Besides him, these movies are pretty good. If you like the seafaring, naval type show.

• Singing and practicing more. yay!
• Going to Institute! Also, I got my certificate of graduation/completion for Institute! Saweet!
• Going to the temple more. For my own family!
• Doing family history. I will have to post more on this later.
• I've thought a lot about exercising.
• Spent more time with Ben, my great brother. He's been taking me to movies. Last week we saw Prince of Persia. SO GOOD!! I loved it. I don't get overly enthusiastic about things, but I really thought this was a great movie. Perfect mix of action, romance, and mystery. He's pretty hunky too, if you like the long haired warrior look. Disney hopes this movie to be the start of the next Pirates of the Caribbean.

• I've been looking for a second job, half heartedly. This playing is too nice to give up...
• Spending time with my roommates and other friends.

All in all, the "Summer" has been great so far. Cool weather and good times. I am happy and loving it. Getting recharged for the craziness of school. Life is good, Heavenly Father is great!

The beat goes on.

So, I've just realized that I have this tendency to stop blogging when things are going well for me. So, my absence of late, in the blogging world, is a good sign.

Well, lets see. I finished the semester. I had 5 classes. of which I received two Bs and the rest I will need to retake. Bah. oh well. I have forgiven myself for my lack of good-grade-getting skills. I did my best. Also, I learned a lot. And I will learn a lot when I re-take those other 3 classes. *eye roll*

Just before I got my final grades I did a lot of thinking about school and wondering what on earth I was doing. I had little motivation. In part because of the Personal chaotic whilrwind of my life. But I also realized it was because I was pursuing a degree to become a high school choir teacher. And guess what? I DON'T WANT TO BE A HIGH SCHOOL CHOIR TEACHER! There. I said it. No offense to those that do want to be that. But to go after that goal, feels like a sentence for prison to me. So, I'm not gonna do it.

When I went in to take my Conducting Final (Final grade a B+. BooYah!) my teacher was giving me some pointers about my conducting goals. And I told him I didn't want to be a HS Choir teach. But that I supposed I would have to if I ever wanted to teach in College. (Which deep down, is what I've always known I wanted to do.) And, God bless him, Dr. Colonna said I didn't have to! He asked what about music I really like to do. I shyly told him that I have a secret passion for Music Theory. And he exclaimed, "Then do THAT!" Joy filled my heart as he explained to me that I could get a masters degree IN music theory! I had no idea! I was SOOO excited. And that, because it's a pretty rare degree, I would probably be able to get an assistanceship while I went to grad school. Which means they pay for your tuition while you help teach under-grad classes. HOW COOL! And that the teaching you do while working on your degree counts as collegiate experience which you can put on your resume when you go looking for a job! way cool! And so, for the first time in 5 years, I am really excited about my future plans with music. I want to be a college professor in Music Theory and teach Voice lessons, and conduct a little choir if they'd let me. :)

Sorry that was a lot about music. But I just have to add, I can graduate in 4 more semesters! huzzah!

Now, to end, I am going to shift to things of a spiritual nature. So, about two posts ago I mentioned after Andrew and I broke up that I was pretty optimistic about the future despite the pain. But after two weeks after, the first week of April, I really started to take it hard. I had been in shock. And the full pain of my loss hit me. I ached over the loss of my dream. I know it will happen for me one day. But I had thought it was happening now. And losing that was excruciatingly painful for me. I had an ever-present pain in my heart. I stopped smiling, when I wasn't in front of people. I cried in my car. I would go for days without an appetite, and then I would eat all sugar within site. I didn't go to my morning classes for the last 5 weeks of school probably. I even slept through my shift at the temple a time or two and work. I was depressed and hurting a lot. I've had my heart broken before over various things. True heart brake. But this was the most invasive and encompassing heartbreak I have felt, to date. And I couldn't focus on my school work. So, I was worried about the whole semester being a waste and I fell even more behind. ANYway. It was rough. (There were also worries about family and work that were weighing on me at this time.)

BUT on the 18th of April I was passing out flyers for my concert and took one to my Home Teacher's home and just started chatting. (BTW, these were the two best HTs a girl could have asked for. They always brought the Spirit into my home and they came over the day after I broke up with Andrew and were so awesome as I started bawling and gave me great support and council.) Any way we had a visit and I asked for a blessing from them. (Remember, my heart was still hurting as it had been just a month since the break up. ) But Harris and Trevor gave me a blessing and it was SO perfect and healing. Few blessings in my life, and I've had a lot, have given me such immediate relief. I was blessed to have hope again and that my heart would be healed. After I they finished the blessing I got ready to go to my show, and I was already back to my old happy self by the time I got to the Institute. The next day as I drove to school I was listening to the radio and singing loud with the windows rolled down and smiling, just being by myself. And that hadn't happened for months. I just want to testify that the Priesthood is real and that Heavenly Father loves, knows and has compassion for us. He understands our weaknesses so intimately. And loves us still. I am so grateful for His love and help through all of the winds and storms that will come to me in this life. With him it is all possible.

And so, now that I am feeling back to my old self, the beat goes on.

Destination: Overwhelmed

Ladies and Gentlemen, we would like to thank you for traveling with us. We have arrived at the destination of

Overwhelmed.

where every step you take looks like Mount Everest.

For those of you that had a connection to Straight A City, that flight has been cancelled and re-routed through Failure.

Thank you for trying.

Sometimes He Lets it Rain

I've had a rough semester. And I got some disappointing news tonight. Not devastating. Just disappointing. And I was wondering to myself why He won't just let me catch a break. And this song popped into my head. I feel this way. I am in both places each verse describes. I feel the storm clouds raging. But I also see how far I've come. But right now He IS letting it rain in my life.

She sees the storm clouds gather

The sky is turning cold and grey

She knows that somethings coming

When she starts to feel this way

She pleads for intervention

But Heaven offers no relief

But she would understand

If she could only see

Sometimes He lets it rain;

He lets the fierce winds blow

Sometimes it takes a storm

To lead a heart where it can grow.

He can move mountains of grief

And oceans of pain.

But sometimes He lets it rain

When her heart surrenders

To the Master in control

Her spirit learns the lessons

Of the tempest in her soul

When it's no longer raging

She can see how far she's come

Through the wisdom

and the mercy of the Son.

Sometimes He lets it rain;

He lets the fierce winds blow

Sometimes it takes a storm

To lead a heart where it can grow.

He can move mountains of grief

And oceans of pain.

But sometimes He lets it rain

But Storms can't last forever.

no one understands

Well, here it is. Andrew and I broke up. for good. I hate saying that.

3 weeks ago, we went on a "break". In which we decided he had 2 weeks to decide whether he wanted to marry me, or not.

You see we had dated for 10 months already. And in my book, I was ready to either get headed down the isle, so to speak, or move on. We had talked about getting married in August but hadn't made any commitments or definite plans.

But the two week break was up last week and he called and we met and talked. And he decided that there were sacrifices I was asking him to make, that he wasn't willing to make. And if he wasn't willing now, he wouldn't be willing when we got married either. And so, that was that. There are more details, too many to share, that in the end make this the right decision. And he is right, if he can't do it now, he wouldn't then, and we would both be unhappy. I don't want to get into the details of what made our relationship good and what made it not work. There's too much of that. But I will say, I was very happy with him at times, and had hope for that happiness to last into eternity. I think that he saw those happy times, when we were at our best, and it scared him, and he would back off. And that is what made it not good.

So, in the aftermath of my first breakup, I am feeling surprisingly good. and surprisingly terrible. I was in love with him. I thought I was going to marry him. I had dreamed of so many things about a future with him. I knew he had weaknesses, but they weren't "deal breaker" ones. I could deal with them. We were so compatible in so many ways. He made me laugh, and he made me smile. And we always wanted to do the same things. Our interests overlapped a lot, and it made for having a good time with him, always. I loved to talk about Gospel things with him, because he knows the scriptures so well.

But, when it comes down to it, it seems that I have had more life experiences and have had practice walking into the darkness and having Faith in the Lord and His plan. And now, looking back there were signs, that it wasn't going to work out. But, I was just hoping that something would change and he would decide he really wanted to be IN love with me and not just love me. But that never happened.

So, some days I am ok. Monday and Tuesday were ok. But the rest of the week has been a struggle. I did a survey thing for LDC and it asked the question "what is the most exciting thing that has happened to you this year?" and I could not think of a single really great thing that has happened to me. It has been a rough semester. And now I understand why I am behind in my classes. And it is a little overwhelming to have gone through and to be going through all that I have and am. I got Mono in January, which was right in the middle of my parent's loosing their home. I grew up in that house for 13 and a half years. And the bank foreclosed because my dad lost his job last June, and hasn't been making payments. So, they had to move out of the house by the first of February. So, I got REALLY behind in my classes. Then, the mono really ended up being a catalyst to my relationship with Andrew ending. So, Mono, Parent's moving, breakup with someone I thought I was going to marry, all in three months. It's been a lot.

The point I really wanted to make is this, I know God has someone out there for me. I know he will show up at the right time. I have faith in His plan for me. But it hurts right now. And there is no one that has been able to make me feel better by saying something to me. I know everyone has good intentions. But it just frustrates me and makes it more apparent that no one understands my experience and exactly what I am feeling at the time. Only my Savior does. He has been through it all. Now I can draw upon His strength to get me through this when no one else can. I appreciate all the love and support from all my dear friends and family. But no one (not even myself really.) truly understands the mix of, hope, despair, peace, pain, and faith that I am feeling. (And it's not just the breakup, it's all of those things, combined, that create the recipe of my feelings.)

But thank you for your love, and prayers. I know I will feel better with time. I will heal eventually. And everything will be fine. I know this post is long, but I just wanted to share a quote that I got on Wed. that really helped me to feel better, then I will be done for now.

This is Elder Wirthlin from his talk "Come What May." in Oct 2008 General Conference.

"How can we love days that are filled with sorrow? We can't- at least not in the moment. I don't think my mother was suggesting that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain. I don't think she was suggesting that we smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness. But I do believe that the way we react to adversity can be a major factor in how happy and successful we can be in life. If we approach adversities wisely, our hardest times can be times of greatest growth, which in turn can lead toward times of greatest happiness."

becoming

I'm a little somber tonight. It was a bit of an emotional weekend and I just can't seem to move past it. Which, if I shared the details, you would tell me it's understandable to not be past it. But I'm not going to share details. (Shocker huh! I am normally very open about my private life. But as this involves someone else, I am not going to be. Today. ) I feel inclined to share some insights. So, this probably won't be very entertaining. sorry.

Firstly, I am inclined to keep an eternal perspective as of late. This is good. I also feel like I am such a weak and simple creature; there is so much about God's all-knowing plan that I do not even have the capacity to comprehend. It amazes me how the pieces all fit together. And they always do. How does he do it? I marvel at his ability to guide, everyone's life, so that we can all learn at the rate we need to. How? I think his brain is the size of the universe.

For example. Me. When I was younger, I went through some very interesting trials. Most people my age didn't go through those kinds of things. The foundation of my testimony was built in those years. And in subsequent years it has only grown. I have no doubts about the validity of the truth found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.) Let me repeat, NO DOUBTS. I know. I have been up and down, in and through enough for me to know and no longer just simply believe.

Despite this

I still have much to learn. But, by my side, always, through the trials, is the assurance that everything will be alright. I do need Him in my life. I can't do it without him. (I can be so lame sometimes. And I hate that part of me.) He is my rock. No matter what pains and trials come my way... it will be ok. These things are for my good and will give me experience. I must be tried in all things. Not so he knows that I will always stay faithful, but so that I know I will always be true. I will then be confident in my gaining exaltation and having earned it.

Earning it is relative. None of the glories of eternity would be possible for us without the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The Atonement is what enables me to let go of my fears because I cannot see the next step to take. It is what gives me the ability to smile and laugh during any trial. There is joy in the journey. He loves us. Ask for the faith promoting experiences you need to become what he wants you to be. Then they will come. And in the end you will look back and be grateful for all the messiness of life he allowed you to go through, because you will have become acquainted with God during your extremities. Nothing is more valuable than that. Nothing.

This is what I know. May you be blessed, as I have been, am now, and hope to continue to be, with experiences that pull you to your knees.

Joanna